HUMOR FROM ' BIG MONEY '

(More humour from 'Big Money)

HODDESDON DREAM

(For some reason, Lord Hoddesdon was annoyed with his sister, Lady Vera.....Then)
Lord Hoddesdon ground the teeth behind his grey moustache. In their nursery days he would have found vent for his emotion by hitting his sister on the side of the head or pulling her pigtail. Deprived of this means of solace be the spirit of  noblesse oblige and the fact that the well coiffured woman does not wear a pigtail, he kicked a chair. The leg came off, and he felt better.

A HEART IN LOVE

(Berry Conway was on his way to meet his lover Ann at Hide Park. He was at his jovial best. And at Hyde Park..............)
True, the usual regiment of loafers slumbered on the grass and there was scattered in the path the customary assortment of old paper bags: but this afternoon, such is the magic of love, these objects of wayside struck him as merely picturesque. Dogs, to the number of twenty-seven, were barking madly in twenty-seven different keys: and their clamour sounded to him like music. If he had time, he would have pursued and patted each separate dog and gone the rounds giving sixpences to each individual loafer. But time pressed, and he had to forgo this piece of self-indulgence.

TALKING SWANS

(Berry met Ann near the lake where two swans, named(by PGW) as swan Egbert and swan Percy, swam. Then.....)
Berry caught her(Ann) in his arms. The swan Egbert turned to swan Percy and said something in an undertone. Percy nodded and both birds then sneered audibly. Swans, like sub-editors, are temperamentally incapable of understanding love's young dream.

ROCKETING PHEASANTS

Lady Vera had sprung form her chair and was now standing on the rug, panting at him. Lord Hoddesdon ground a heel into the carpet. There were moments when his sister reminded him of rocketing pheasant : and, while he liked rocketing pheasants at the proper time and in their proper place, he strongly objected to amateur imitations of them in a small drawing-room.

( All contents in brackets are blog authors inputs for clarity)
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FUN FROM ' BIG MONEY '

CON GAME

"But I keep telling you that (the company) Dream Come True hasn't any copper in it."(said Berry)

"Well, there are always mugs in the world, aren't there? It will be a sorry day for England,"said Lord Biskerton, "when you can't find some mug to buy a mine, however dud. You say yours hasn't anything in it? My old guv'nor once bought shares in an oil-well, and not only there was no oil, there wasn't even a well."


PENURY

(When Mr Frisby, Berry's employer, learns that his subordinate Berry hobnobs with the elite crowd, says,)
"I don't understand you," he(Mr Frisby) said. "You seem to mix with the Four Hundred, go to school with their nephews and all that, and here you are, working in my office on a..."

"Ridiculously small salary, sir?" ( said Berry). "Very true. It's rather a sad story. I was adopted by a rich aunt, and she suddenly turned into a poor aunt."

PLACID MULBERRY GROVE

Nothing marred the quiet peace of Mulberry Grove. No policeman ever came near it. Trademen's boys, when they entered it on tricycles, hushed their whistling. And even stray dogs, looking in with the idea of having a bark at the swans, checked themselves with an apologetic cough on seeing where they were and backed out respectfully.

(Contents in the brackets are blog author's inputs for clarity)

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PLUS MONEY FOR NOTHING

BURNING DESIRE

Gradually, driving everything from his mind, there stole upon him the realisation that unless he found something immediately to slake the thirst(for whisky) which was burning him up, he would perish of spontaneous combustion.

INTENSE DISLIKE

Mr Chimp regarded his partner with disfavour. He wished he had never seen Mr Molloy. He wished he might never see him again. He wished he were not seeing him now.

THE PUPPET

His hair was disordered, his face streaked with dust and heat, and his legs acted so independently of his body that gave him an odd appearance of moving in several directions at once.

CHAT 'N' WORK

It began to seem to Mr Soapy that the staffs of the English country houses must be selected primarily for their powers of conversation.Every domestic with whom he come in contact in Rudge Hall so far had had at his disposal an apparently endless flow of lively small-talk. The butler, if you let him, would gossip all day about rabbits and there was a chauffeur apparently settling down to dictate his autobiography.

MORE OF MONEY FOR NOTHiNG

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PANACEA

Brophy(the skin lotion), it should be mentioned, had proved a sensational success. His Elixir was making the local gnats feel perfect fools: They would bite colonel Wyvern on the face and stand back, all ready to laugh, and the colonel would just smear Brophy on himself and be as good as new. It was simply sickening if you were a gnat.

INTENT DOG

{Emily, the she-dog was busy watching Mr Chas. Bywater who often gave her toffees. Then Pat entered the scene}
'Hullo, Emily,' said Pat.
Emily(the dog) gave her a brief look in which there was no pleased recognition, but only annoyance of a dog interrupted during an important conference. Then she returned her gaze to Mr Bywater (in anticipation of a treat).

FOXED

There is no anguish like the anguish of the man who is trying to extract cash from a fellow human being and suddenly finds the fellow human being trying to extract it from him.

KINDLY EYE

There was a man he knew in London, a moneylender, a fellow who had a glass eye, and only thing that enabled anyone to tell which of his eyes was which was that the glass one had rather a more human expression than the other.

[ All the contents inside the brackets are the blog author's inputs for clarity.]

MONEY FOR NOTHING

COMFY AMBIANCE

"Along its narrow High Street, the only sign of life visible were a cat stropping its backbone against the Jubilee Watering Trough, some flies doing deep breathing exercises on the hot window-sills, and a little group of serious thinkers who, propped up against the wall of Carmody Arms(a pub), were waiting for that establishment to open.

TOILING BYWATER

Chas. Bywater is a live wire. He takes no afternoon siesta, but works while others sleep. (The town of) Rudge as a whole is inclined after luncheon to go to the back room, put a handkerchief over its face and take things easy for a bit.

{My Note: Chas. Bywater is a Nosy Parker who does not wish to miss any juicy bits of local gossip - the real reason for afternoon wakefulness!}

BURSTING WITH SECRET

Whether, if in a condition to give the matter careful thought, he would have selected Chas. Bywater as a confidant(to tell all), one can not say. But he(Colonel Wyvern) was not in such a condition. The stoppered bottle does not care whose is the hand that removes the cork - all it wants is chance to fizz and colonel Wyvern resembled such a bottle.

TOUCHING ON A STINGY UNCLE

{My Note: Mr Carmody's nephew, in order to humour his uncle before asking him for cash says}

"You look very fit, uncle."

Mr Carmody's reply to this was to make a noise like a buffalo pulling its foot out of the swamp. It might have been intended to be genial, or it might not Hugo(the nephew) could not tell. However, he was a reasonable young man, and quite understood that it would be foolish to expect the milk of human kindness to come gushing like a geyser out of a two hundred and twenty pound uncle who had been doing (strenuous) bending and stretching exercises.

[ All entries in the brackets are blog author's inputs for clarity of background facts]

P. G. WODEHOUSE

This blog is essentially a compilation of humorous quotes from P G Wodehouse novels as chosen by the blog author. P G Wodehouse, also referred to as Plum by his legion of fans, has been a powerful influence on my life.

The author of almost hundred books and creator of Jeeves, Blandings Castle, Psmith, Ukridge, Uncle Fred and Mr Mulliner, P.G. Wodehouse was born in 1881 and educated at Dulwich College. After two years with the Hong Kong and Shanghai Bank he became a full-time writer, contributing to variety of periodicals including Punch and the Globe. He married in 1914. As well as his novels and short stories, he wrote lyrics for musical comedies with Guy Bolton and Jerome Kern, and at one time had five musicals running simultaneously on Broadway. His time in Hollywood also provided much source material for fiction.

At the age of 93, in the New Year's Honours List of 1975, he received a long-overdue knighthood, only to die on St Valentine's Day some 45 days later.

WHAT THEY SAID.........

' The incomparable and timeless genius - perfect for readers of all ages, shapes and sizes ' - Kate Mosse

' I constantly find myself drooling with admiration at the sublime way Wodehouse plays with the English language ' - Simon Brett

' P G Wodehouse should be prescribed to treat depression. Cheaper, more effective than valium and far, far more addictive ' - Olivia Williams